The eulogist does! I asked to give the eulogy at my mother's funeral this past weekend, and I am glad I did it. I wanted to honor my mother. I also want to remember what I said, so for this blog I am going to share what I wrote, taking out the "had to be there" moments and adding a few extra comments made from other family members who said things better than I could have.

Growing up, I had friends on more than one occasion who commented about how they wish their parents were more like mine, and I would think they were crazy. I was judging on the fact that their houses were so much nicer than our house, and also because I felt both my parents were sooo embarrassing. My mother would talk to strangers in the grocery store whether they wanted her to or not. As a kid that was horrifying. Now that I talk to strangers in grocery stores, I can also look back and see what those kids really meant. While I was seeing an old farmhouse with 1 bathroom for seven people, they were seeing a house full of laughter. They were seeing parents who were honest and straightforward. Our family certainly wasn’t perfect, because no one ever is, but there was something appealing about a dad who arm wrestled Big Jim in the living room and a mother who schooled my sister’s friends and boyfriends in Trivial Pursuit or talked sports with them out in the kitchen. We were blessed to have Ruth Wiren as our mother.

Who was Ruth Wiren? Her maiden name was Smart so that sets a tone. Our mother was unflappable, witty, stoic, and intelligent. She had friends who used to call her up to find out the meanings of words rather than going to a dictionary. She studied Greek for fun. She was somehow very humble and at the same time secretly prideful. Her smug grin and shoulder shrug were proof of that when she won a board game, which happened more often than not. As my nephew Wesley noted, it didn't matter if he was 7 or 17; she would win and then look at him as if to say, "what did you think was going to happen?"

Ruth Wiren respected a witty comeback. For example, a couple years ago she overheard some of us complimenting her about something. She made a snarky remark about not knowing we respected her. I looked at her and said, “Are you kidding? We think you’re the best. We just don’t want you to get a big head. To which my sister Becky replied, ‘yeah, cause then your wig wouldn’t fit’. Becky was her favorite child that day.

Our mother was not one to show emotion, which sometimes made people think she didn’t have them. And she definitely was not a crier. She had a way of cutting through the emotional blinders around every situation which helped us gain focus more quickly. But not shedding tears -- that didn’t mean she didn’t care. She loved her family so much that she willingly dedicated her whole life to us. She chose to honor God in her everyday tasks as a wife, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. God’s opinion was her only motivation.

She believed in the grace of God, and her take on our behavior growing up was, “I don’t believe my children would do that because they know better, but I also won’t be surprised when they do.” She understood human nature, so nothing could shock her. She once had an employer ask her if her children had ever acted up when they were young and Ruth replied, “sure, once.”

Our mother had great perspective and wisdom. My sister Ramona likes to share how when mom was going through her cancer and heart surgery, all while my dad was battling dementia she never cried, ‘Woe is me.” Instead, our mother often said, “Why not me?” My nephew Carter told me that if they experienced bad weather when he was driving her to doctor appointments she would say, “Never complain about the weather. The Lord knows what we need better than we ever could.” That perspective was especially helpful these last few years with the difficulty our family has gone through.

Ruth Wiren was a beacon of consistency. We never had to wonder where she stood with anything because she never faltered. Her children know the importance of reading their Bibles because we saw her do it every single morning in between making breakfast for six other people all on different schedules. We were blessed to have such a steady foundation of faithfulness.

In her wisdom, she may have been the only mother in the history of motherhood that wouldn’t tell her children what decision would be best. This is one of the traits my sister Becky admired most about my mother, frustrating as it could be in the moment. Because sometimes you just wanted her to tell you what to do. Sometimes she might go as far as to point out what the various consequences would be if you followed this path or that path, but she would never say “do this”. She wasn’t going to live our lives for us. She had the mindset that all our choices were between us and God.

Our family lost a prayer warrior in February, and it feels like the last of our foundation has been ripped out from under us. To that Ruth would say, “People can’t be your foundation. The only foundation worth building on is Jesus.”

My husband asked me the other day if I was all right and I immediately said, “Nope, half left” and that’s when I realized Ruthie Smart Wiren will be with us forever. We thank you for every sacrifice, conversation, and lesson such as my niece Erin noted, "if you don't have anything nice to say, roll your eyes instead." Life’s just not the same without you, Mommy.

I had to take a break.

I took a break from writing. I took a break from reading for fun. A lot of things were removed from my every day activities. Life had become very difficult, and the two-by-fours kept swinging into my heart. It's been a long two years.

But I am starting to feel like myself a little more each day, so I want to get back to the things that make me me. I get to coach for a living, so that feeds my competitive nature. I enjoy being married, so I wouldn't change that for anything. He's the best. What's next to bring back?

Waxing with a just a smattering of eloquence makes me smile, so I will try again here to get my thoughts out on various subjects and ideas for the five people that read my blog. Eventually, I'll get back to the fiction writing and reading, and tennis, and all the other things slowly. For now, this may be all I've got in me and that's okay. 

Here we go...
One of my players is an empath. She feels other's emotions as much as she feels her own. She's had to learn how to distinguish what her true responsibilities are when dealing with other people because her default feeling is that she is responsible to and for all of them. That's too much burden for anyone to hold. It got me thinking about emotions in general and how fickle they can be but also how integral to our nature they are. I had a father who was overly emotional and a mother who's picture shows up next to stoic in the dictionary. I'm the mixture of the worst of them. I'm all emotion with a bucket full of reality to throw on myself when I get out of hand. It's a confusing way to live.

This makes me consider what the best way to handle emotions should be. Should we listen to our emotions even though they are always changing? Can our emotions be trusted? Should they have a say in our day to day lives and choices? Do they define who we are completely or can we at least acknowledge that DNA has a bit of a say as well? Does anyone else feel like our parents had a better grip on their emotions than we do today? Or at least handled tragedy and trauma better. Why is that?????? 

There is so much that goes into this, but my simple conclusion is that I want to 'be informed by my emotions but not ruled by them'.

To ignore how we feel is to negate the reality in which we find ourselves. To ignore anger or pain or even happiness is to discredit all the things that happen in life, and that makes life a bit pitiful. Our parents kept a lot of emotions inside and many of them were stilted by that. To ignore emotions keeps a person from learning, growing, and enjoying. 

But letting ourselves to be driven by emotions is a rollercoaster that I am uncomfortable to be on. Emotions feel manipulative, and I will question anyone who tries to stir my heartstrings, so to speak. Emotions can be fickle and closed-minded. Emotions might not have all the information necessary for wise decisions, so when it comes to the serious parts of life, emotions might have to take a back seat. This might be where our parents got it right. Many were able to withstand harder times in life because their emotions weren't running rampant. Or maybe they suppressed them too much. Who knows; I can't change those who have gone before.

In the end, I've decided it's best to let my emotions inform me of how I am doing, how I am processing, how I am living in this life but not to have a loud voice in my decision making. If you disagree with me, I am sure you will have some valid points as to why. If you agree, that makes my emotional side smile. In the end, though, I can only speak to myself. So, to myself I say, be glad you had all those feelings the last two years because they were proof of lives lived well. And as I move forward, I will not be overcome by my emotions. Much.

Lastly, we miss you Robin, David, Steve, Dick, and Ruth.